Black Friday Shopping—With Thinner Crowds

Where are all the people this Black Friday, are they dead?

The aisles at all the big box stores have barely seen a tread.

The clerks outnumber customers; the parking lot is bare.

I’m missing all the manic shoppers with their zombie stare.

Is ev’rybody online, has the internet at last

broken the tradition of sore feet we have amassed?

Black Friday will no longer haunt conspicuous consumers.

(Most likely cuz Millennials spend more than Baby Boomers.)


Magic-Trick Apps to Unleash Your Inner David Blaine

There is nothing quite so dreadful as a new magician

who has to inflict on you some stale old apparition.

He flips a card or pulls a coin out of your earlobe, thus!

His amateur performance makes you wanna groan or cuss.

And now the iPhone store is full of apps for hocus-pocus;

ev’ryone is practicing till eyes are out of focus.

The idiotic patter that goes with the app makes clear

the only trick I want to see makes iPhones disappear!




Clowning Burns Calories; How to Lose Weight While Making People Laugh.

Scientists say that if you clown around for 15 minutes a day you’ll burn the equivalent of 300 calories in a week.

Maybe that’s why circus clowns are so skinny!

Or, as Dietician Juliette Kellow says, “New research published in the International Journal of Obesity has discovered that laughter really is the best medicine for a weight problem.”

And the London Telegraph newspaper has this encouraging headline:

Laughing intensely for an hour can burn as many calories as lifting weight for 30 minutes, scientists have found.

And that’s not all. In Israel a recent study found that clowning helped with the birthing process: “A recent study has found a link between clowns and IVF success, or a successful in-vitro fertilization. The study found that women undergoing IVF treatment were more likely to become pregnant if visited by a “medical clown” because the clowns reduce stress.”

The World Clown Association says:  “Clowns enjoy sharing this experiential art for varied reasons.  Some clown because of their love of laughter.  Some clown because of the new relationships they forge.  Some enjoy entering this “different world” than their normal everyday life—it becomes stress-relief for themselves personally.  Some have found clowning to be a great communication method that holds the attention of an audience as they share an important message.” 

Would you enjoy becoming a clown, as a hobby or even as a new profession? (Or just to shed a few pounds or relieve some stress!)

There are numerous amateur clown clubs around the United States, and around the world, that would welcome you into their silly society. If you would like to find a local clown club in your area, check out the Clowns International website  for contact information in your neighborhood.

And if you’re really serious about being funny, you can audition to become a professionally paid clown with The Greatest Show on Earth — Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus! Their 2016 audition schedule will be out in the next few weeks.


If you want to hone your clown skills, there are several national workshops that provide professional training in the noble art of clowning.

For instance, in Minnesota there is the internationally-famed Mooseburger Clown Camp, held every summer for two weeks.

In Utah Valley baggy pants wannabes are now able to attend workshops given by master clown Timothy Torkildson.

And in New York City, the New York Goofs Clown School opens its doors every May and then again in late summer for slapstick seasoning.

The Chinese have a saying . . . “He who brings laughter brings love.”

And comedian Jerry Seinfeld reminds all of us: “Comedy is recession-proof.” 

So if you find yourself with the urge to don a red rubber nose . . . don’t fight it! It can be healthy, stress-relieving, and maybe even make you some money.

What’s not to like?

Timothy Torkildson, as Dusty the Clown, with Ringling Brothers.
Timothy Torkildson, as Dusty the Clown, with Ringling Brothers.


Black Friday

For Satan it’s Black Friday ev’ry day of ev’ry year.

His wares are marked as ‘Bargains’ and are offered with good cheer.

His clerks are busy retailing the latest fad and trend,

as well as antique vices that are darker than pitchblende.

He hides behind the counter, where you never see him smile

as he uses salesmanship to trap you with his guile.

He offers easy credit; a down payment will allow

possession of iniquity to furrow any brow.

He doesn’t lack for shoppers, eager to provide him trade —

who by his specious promises are effortlessly swayed.

His policy is “NO REFUNDS” should you be taken in;

you cannot get back what you’ve lost when buying into sin.

But should you change your mind about your foolish spending spree,

your payments can be discharged by the Man from Galilee.



Pillow Fights at West Point Are Banned After Injuries

At West Point those cadets are brutal, with their pillow fights;

the injuries are mounting when they turn off all the lights.

Two dozen future officers were invalided out;

I guess the feathers were pernicious and perhaps quite stout.

It would appear that many plebes put anvils in their cases,

which may have caused a bruise or two upon their honest faces.

Now in the Navy they do not display such childish rancor;

if they want to play they will start swinging with an anchor.

Twas the day before Thanksgiving

Twas the day before Thanksgiving, and the airport guards were grim.

They were checking and x-raying passengers from limb to limb.

None escaped their survey as they looked for contraband;

their vigilance insuring safety over sea and land.

The process was so thorough and did cause much long delay,

but it got us safely home . . . and just in time for Christmas Day! 

Raw meat is all I ever ate

Raw meat is all I ever ate; I fed on beasts of prey.

But then a notion was created in a single day.

The blood of beasts, and flesh uncooked, are naught but poor delights;

they leave a stench so very far from wholesome appetites.

Conviction settles in my heart, my feet no path will trod

that does not lead to feasting with my everlasting God.

His table’s spread with nourishment that’s sweet unto the taste;

it is not harsh nor blatant, and can never be debased.

But if I feast alone my satisfaction is denied;

I long for friend and fam’ly to be feasting by my side!

Average taxes on wireless bills in California reach a record 18%

My wireless is taxed not once, not twice, but sev’ral times —

the city, county, state, and Feds are all behind these crimes.

I don’t know where the money goes — some government black hole?

If they tax much more this way I’ll soon be on the dole!

A government needs money like an addict needs a fix,

and they are not above the sneakiest of shady tricks.

So why not tax the air we breathe, or sunlight when it shines?

And if we use too much of it, there’s sure to be some fines!

The Penny is Kaput

Honest Abe is under fire at the U.S. Mint;

his face upon the penny’s too expensive to imprint.

There won’t be any penny pinchers if there ain’t no pennies.

(And I won’t have anything to tip with down at Denny’s.)

Penny ante propositions will disappear like smoke.

And a penny for your thoughts is nothing but a joke.

No pennies to be pretty and none saved that can be earned;

this can’t leave numismatists completely unconcerned . . .

Perhaps a plastic penny is the way we should proceed.

Or else let’s go completely green and make them from duckweed.

Auf Wiedersehen, dear Abraham; of all the change that’s loose

you will not be numbered — they have gone and cooked your goose!