If profits you want to entice

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

The California Public Employees’ Retirement System, the largest pension fund by assets in the U.S., said last week it may reconsider a decision it made 16 years ago to divest tobacco holdings. The move was triggered by an outside consultancy’s conclusion that Calpers’ missed out on up to about $3 billion in net investment gains between then and the end of 2014 by not investing in tobacco shares.

 

 

If profits you want to entice

invest in the bizness of vice.

You cannot go broke

as long as folk smoke

and like to drink liquor on ice.

Limerick

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

Estate-tax attorneys for Prince, who died last week, must attempt to put a precise financial value on his name, image and likeness.

That Prince-ness could make him one of America’s top-earning deceased celebrities, and it may be one of his estate’s largest assets—subject to a 40% federal tax.

 In Hades the IRS reigns;
they keep the taxpayers in chains.
In Heaven the Feds
are thrown in old sheds
and listen to lectures by Keynes.

Limerick

From today’s Los Angeles Times:

America’s high school seniors’ reading and math test scores are barely holding steady or slumping, according to national standardized test results released late Tuesday.

If you have a high school degree

you’re sharp as a sugar snap pea.

You read very slow;

and math you don’t know —

a journalist you ought to be!

Schoolboy wearing dunce cap
Schoolboy wearing dunce cap

It ain’t milk chocolate no more . . .

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

Chocolate maker Hershey Co. has a solution for America’s waning taste for candy: beef snacks.

The 122-year-old company is betting that dried meat bars are the new chocolate bars.

To that end, Hershey will start selling Krave protein bars in August, made from dried meats and a combination of other ingredients such as mangos, cranberries and quinoa.

 

The end of the road for cuisine

is a Hershey bar made of protein.

Such animal glue

is blasphemous, too.

You might as well chew on baleen!

hershey_pure_milkchocolate_bar

Youth, Schmouth . . .

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

What if there were a way to stave off the creaks and calamities of old age? Nir Barzilai, director of the Institute for Aging Research at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, is working on it.

With word leaking out, seniors from all over the globe have been hounding Dr. Barzilai and his colleagues to get in on the action—with many writing to prove their worthiness. Never mind that formal patient recruitment is still perhaps a year away.

 

There was an old man who decided

the worship of youth was misguided.

For, he said brightly,

although I sleep lightly

my worries and wants have subsided.

from ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, by Lewis Carroll, with illustrations by John Tenniel. Macmillan and Co, London, 1898.
from ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND, by Lewis Carroll, with illustrations by John Tenniel. Macmillan and Co, London, 1898.

The Snooty Old Lobsters of Sweden

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

Maine’s congressional delegation is steaming over a push by Sweden to get the European Union to designate the North American lobster as an invasive alien species, which would halt live imports to the EU’s 28 member countries.

The Swedish scientists also worry about crossbreeding, saying it isn’t fully known “how American lobsters and European lobsters affect each other.”

The snooty old lobsters of Sweden

are not with our kind to be breedin’.

Your posh langoustine

ain’t better than mine!

(They all look alike when you’re feedin’)

 

No Bones About It

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

The Federal Bureau of Investigation paid more than $1 million for a hacking tool that opened the iPhone of a terrorist gunman in San Bernardino, Calif., the head of the agency said Thursday.

 

A hacker who opens iPhones

can rate himself on the Dow Jones.

It sure does amaze

what Uncle Sam pays

without making any old bones.

raining-money

There Once was a Man so Ambitious . . .

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

Research on hypercompetitors sets them apart. Intense rivalry is linked with a win-at-any-cost mind-set and a tendency to ignore the perspectives and decisions of others, according to a 2010 study at Harvard University. Other research shows highly competitive people focus on attaining status over getting work done, and readily put their own interests above others’.

There once was a man so ambitious

his coworkers turned very vicious.

One morning they fought

to throw him in a pot —

and stewed him till he was delicious.

Uriah_Heep_from_David_Copperfield_art_by_Frank_Reynolds

Breakfast

From today’s Wall Street Journal:

“In a world poised to disappoint, it seems simple common sense to minimize misunderstanding and heartbreak whenever possible. One way to do that is by ordering breakfast the way you like it. In my case that means soft—to the point of runny—scrambled eggs and crisp bacon. And I appreciate my toast to arrive buttered.”

 The world is a funny old place
where breakfast should be the first grace
of days long in mirth,
not worried with girth.
But oatmeal is all I will face . . .
hearty-breakfast-skillet_thumb-m

Making new friends? Phooey!

From the Wall Street Journal:

A study published in February in the British Journal of Psychology looked at 15,000 respondents and found that people who had more social interactions with close friends reported being happier—unless they were highly intelligent. People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have a long-term goal they are pursuing.

 I’m not such a friendly old chap;
I do not enjoy the backslap.
It ain’t that I’m smart.
I’m just an old fart
who wants to get on with his nap!
snoringoldman