Kim Jong-un was wise enough not to pine for his lost Swiss love. Being both pragmatic and loyal, he bowed to his father Kim Jong-il’s wishes and forgot about his Swiss miss and concentrated instead on learning how to defeat the Western imperialist rascals who are forever threatening his beloved North Korea.
With his father’s permission, young Kim Jong-un assumed a new identity and infiltrated one of the bastions of ravening capitalism — Williston, North Dakota.
Under the assumed name of Charlie Chan, our hero posed as a busboy in a busy Chinese restaurant on Main Street in Williston — The Jade Poobah.
Here he covertly gathered intelligence let slip by careless exploiters of the working masses. Among the valuable information he gathered while serving hot and sour soup to unsuspecting slurpers was:
- “Ole and Lina” are code words for biological warfare.
- Lefse is some kind of nocturnal creature that causes severe heartburn in its victims.
- An army of longjohn-wearing paratroopers is preparing for a drop on North Korea within the next ten years.
- Yellow snow is unhealthy.
- The only way to tell men from women in North Dakota is that the women have smaller mustaches.
With this information safely salted away in a microchip embedded in his left nostril, ‘Charlie Chan’ next took a position as a rhubarb picker in order to better understand the exploited proletariat of the region.
He learned first-hand about the rigors and hardships of working on a rhubarb plantation, where the overseer often had the workers interrupt their spa treatments in order to taste test new rhubarb products such as rhubarb ketchup, rhubarb salsa, and rhubarb pizza. Not only that, but the hapless workers were bullied into early retirement with gigantic amounts of money and so many benefits that no one person could keep track of them all. When Kim Jong-un, working as ‘Charlie Chan’, attempted to organize the into a rhubarb pickers union, he was manhandled by the plantation bosses — being made to attend long steak dinners in his honor and having to fend off lobbyists who tried to buy him off with jewelry, sports cars, and Mardi Gras beads.
It was too much for the fragile youth, and Kim Jong-un had to flee North Dakota for the sanctuary of a vinegar factory in Spencer, Iowa, where he slowly recovered from his abusive adventure with the help of a steady diet of Skittles and the ministrations of a sympathetic football coach named Russ Colombo.
Colombo was the perfect example of the docile proletariat that Kim Jong-un yearned to free from the shackles of dependence and abuse. He coached football for the local high school, as well as teaching penmanship. Colombo had to make do with a split-level four-bedroom home for his wife and three children, and they only ate three times a day, with an occasional tiffin. The whole family groaned under the existential nausea of conspicuous consumption.
Yet when Kim Jong-un spoke to them about the freedom from material slavery that the North Korean Communist system guaranteed, they merely laughed in his face and forced him to eat another piece of lemon meringue pie.
After recovering his composure, Kim Jong-un left the Midwest and returned to his beloved homeland of North Korea, where his father welcomed him with open arms and his mother welcomed him with open stares — he had grown so husky and handsome.
Indeed, as a side effect of his stay in the rotten capitalistic West, our hero had become a veritable superman! His bushy black hair was more luxuriant than a tropical forest. His teeth were so white and firm that he could chew through a two-by-four in a matter of seconds. His biceps bulged and his pectorals looked like the Rocky Mountains. His stamina was now so great that he could sprint up all 135 steps of the Imperial Palace in Pingpongyan without pause, and then dance the macarena until dawn.
Under his illustrious father’s tutelage, Kim Jong-un began training with the army — first as a sergeant, then as a colonel, and finally as a general. He marched with the men, fired weapons with the men, ate in the mess hall with the men, and bunked with the men. They couldn’t get rid of him. He was voted “Most Likely to Cause a War” by his platoon and given the Silver Toadstool in recognition of his ability to snore while staying wide awake.
Ever solicitous for his illustrious father’s success as Protector of North Korea, Kim Jong-un suggested to him that the country could prosper by copying some of the systems of their neighbor to the West, namely China.
And so was born the greatest of economic strategies that the world has ever seen — The Great Bamboo Hop Forward.
Kim Jong-il decreed that everything must be made out of bamboo for the next 2 years, thus saving precious resources for the war against the Capitalist Pigs.
The people of North Korea responded with their usual courage, fidelity, and creativity. They switched to bamboo toilets, spurning porcelain as too bourgeoisie. Who cares if there were always a few splinters to contend with afterwards?
Skyscrapers were constructed completely out of bamboo, and did very well in high winds and earthquakes. Unfortunately, they caught fire very easily, and were often attacked by panda bears.
Road construction became so much easier and faster, using bamboo instead of asphalt and concrete. Of course, you couldn’t drive a care over a bamboo road — but that didn’t mean anything to the loyal proletariat, since none of them had cars anyways.
And when the first completely bamboo supersonic jet was unveiled, the entire country took a holiday to celebrate (which had nothing to do with the fact that, what with bamboo currency and bamboo cooking pots, the people went without food for nearly two years and were thus just a teeny weeny bit exhausted).
The entire project was proclaimed a fantastic success, and would have been extended indefinitely, but for the fact that the country ran out of bamboo.
And then the zombies attacked . . .