The Debt Ceiling

Well, it’s that wonderful time of year again when our federal government threatens to go to hell in a handbasket. If the debt ceiling is not raised we’ll all be out on the streets, huddled around smouldering trash cans and panhandling all the overseas tourists come to see our pitiful decline.

That, at least, is the way the headlines read. Try this one on for size, from Fortune.com:  Government will run out of money in November, Treasury Secretary warns.

Yikes! But, hey, what the blazes happened to all the taxes I’ve paid to Uncle Sam last coupla years? Those ninnyhammer wastrels in Washington must have gone through it like a drunken sailor. All 43 dollar of it!

I oughta write to my Congressman — that’ll fix their wagon.

The Wall Street Journal puts the disturbing news into perspective for us wretched peons who struggle to balance our checkbooks:

Many Republicans have balked in the past over voting to raise the debt ceiling, forcing Republican Speaker Boehner to turn to Democrats to pass legislation enabling the U.S. government to pay its bills on time. Those votes helped stoke conservative ire against Mr. Boehner for years, leading up to his decision to resign.

Ahead of Nov. 5, many Republicans said they would want to secure reductions in federal spending in exchange for voting to raise the debt limit, now at $18.1 trillion. Treasury has used emergency measures to avoid breaching the debt cap since mid-March.

Kinda gives you a lump in your throat, don’t it? Thinking about these great American noodnicks boondoggling on our behalf . . .

 

Dear Mr. Boehner:  When you leave the office of the Speaker,

I hope you’ve wrangled all your boys to avoid the squeaker

of governmental coma when the money all runs out;

and ev’rything comes to a halt from federal-led drought.

Push that ceiling way up high, into the stratosphere;

then we can continue to be wasteful without fear.

Once you have retired from the Speaker’s podium,

you will never have to deal with any odium

that comes from so much debt that soon the Chinese will take over.

And herd us into sweatshops like a pistol-whipping drover. 

They all look alike to me

The human face has got two eyes, two nostrils and a chin;

just one mouth per person (and the tongue stays snug within).

The color of the skin, of course, can vary sheen by sheen

from albino to pitch black to almost copper green.

I think the only face that likely I could much recall

is one with horns and fangs that made my flesh to really crawl.

I’ve never seen one like that, but I bet were I in court

I’d see a couple dozen as they gnawed upon a tort. 

The Old Goat & the Young Lamb.

blackwidow

First you lose your parents, then your spouse decides to drop.

Friends you’ve known a long, long time begin to close up shop.

Whether in Japan or Keokuk or Timbuktu,

The elderly grow lonely while Father Time is counting coup.

 

A little bit of kindness or romantic tete-a-tete

Is welcome as spring tonic when the time is running late.

Since no one else seems in’trested in your diminished life,

It seems a decent pleasure to take on a younger wife.

 

King David in the Bible was allowed such liberties.

Surely I can do as much, or more, if I so please.

I have provided for my new and frisky little bride.

(I only wish her omelets didn’t reek of cyanide.)

 

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bankk

This cynical little ditty is brought to you by the Bank of American Fork.  They know how to earn your trust, as well as earn interest!

How to be More Organized.

MessyDesk

We all want to be more organized.  To accomplish more with our time, and so to have more of it to appreciate the finer things in life.  But between careers and families and the many other obligations we have, it’s hard to concentrate and find ways to manage our time more efficiently.  As someone who has managed his time so efficiently that he now has the leisure to be the neighborhood buttinsky, I humbly offer these salient tips:

  • Always have a goal.  Such as “Take a nap” or “Eat more Cheetos”.  This will help you focus on your immediate needs, instead of some far away and nebulous dream like “Go to College” or “Get a job”.
  • Keep the TV on.  Studies show that people who are bombarded with idiotic drivel 24/7 tend to have a high tolerance for pain.  So if you accidentally skewer yourself while juggling pitchforks (a common occurrence nowadays) you can continue on with the task instead of wasting time at the ER.  Remember, pitchforks are your friend.  [So I get $20 from the National Pitchfork Council for every mention of pitchforks . . . so sue me!]
  • Personal hygiene!  Don’t let it slide.  When you are filing your taxes take time out to bite your fingernails to the nub.  When you finish them you’ll be able to leave a little blood on the forms – maybe the IRS will feel sorry for you and double your refund.
  • Drop all your friends.  They’re only distractions.  You should, however, increase the number of your enemies; they’ll keep you on your toes.
  • Do two things at once.  Like writing a blog and tossing lit matches at open gasoline cans at the same time . . . whoops, there goes the garage.
  • Keep a bowl of bran flakes at your desk.  Throw them at people who look like they want to talk to you.
  • Revert to the Julian calendar.  You’ll automatically gain 22 days that the Gregorian calendar abolished back 1582.
  • Color code your fingers. Make your thumb blue, your index finger green, your middle finger red, your ring finger white, and your pinky black.  Only use one color per day.  This saves wear and tear on your digits so you can wiggle them faster and longer than anybody else.
  • Use note cards.  Along with a comb they make a swell kazoo.  By the time you can play Flight of the Bumble Bee you’ll find that there’s very little left in your life to organize.
  • Learn to Delegate.  Tell your spouse to take out the trash, your boss to write his own reports, and give complete strangers all your spare cash to invest for you. You’ll be surprised at the results.  Not pleased, just surprised.
  •  Live in your closet.  That way when you want something that’s in your closet you just have to reach for it.  No more tedious hikes, or interaction with the human race – those unorganized wretches!